* Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "you know, my son, he graduated first in his class from
Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."The second woman says, "you know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer, making half a
million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles." The last woman says, "you know my son, he never did too well is school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million
dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman." The other two women ask "what is a sports repairman?" The woman then replies, "he fixes games... you know,hockey
games, football games, baseball games...."
* A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the
defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I
know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she
knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
* Why did the blond stare at the bottle of orange juice for 2 hours? it said on the label "concentrate"
Things I learned in college:
- That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class; I'd sleep right through it.
- That I could change so much and barely realize it.
- That college kids throw airplanes too.
- That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you, "Why are you so dressed up?"
- That every clock on campus shows a different time.
- That if you were smart in high school--so what?
- That I would go to a party the night before a final.
- That chem labs require more time than all my classes put together.
- That you can know everything and fail a test.
- That you can know nothing and ace a test.
- That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.
- That Most of my education would be obtained outside of my classes.
- That I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.
- That free food served until 10:00 is gone by 9:50.
- That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
- That Psychology is really Biology, and that Biology is really Chemistry,
- That Chemistry is really Physics, and Physics is really Math.
- Jesus looks down upon Judas and says, "Judas, I'm very CROSS with you!"
- Jesus looks down on Judas and says, "Hey Judas! I can see your house from here!"
* 8 things you'll never hear a man say :
8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
** 8 things you'll never hear a woman say :
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger.
* Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the
matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young
girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." Judi very calmly states, "No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my
mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss
decides to check on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?" Judi breaks
down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!!"
* Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.Holmes said,
"Watson, look up. What do you see?" "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day
tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
* A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a
Pollack." The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew." "Probably, " replied
the clerk. "And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?" "Probably," the clerk again replied. "Why you're nothing but a
bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?" At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."
* Two atoms were walking down the street when suddenly one stopped and exclaimed, "I've just lost an electron!". Concerned, the other
asked, "Are you sure?" The first replied "Sure? I'm positive!"
* A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks
the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
* Two blondes were on a road trip.they passed through Matasheuchetts , Louisiana.The two blondes started argueing about how to pronounce the name of
the city.Finnaly they turned into a fast food restaurant, they went in and said to the man behind the counter, "Could you tell us where we are and say it slowly" The man replied: "BURRR-GERR-KII-NG''
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